An Open Letter to the Editor

To Whom it may concern,

I Dagonet have reached a point I must ask that you stop with this continued besmirchment of my name. It has been brought to my attention that you have compelled me to be a part of your new anthology, Legends of Camelot: Knights of the Round Table, which while I understand that I have no choice. I would like to let you know that it is against my will. It is not that I have any issues with the publisher, I understand you are doing the great work of spreading the legend of the Round Table and such great knights such as Sir Bors, Caradoc and Bedivere . My issue comes with the scribe whom has been assigned my tale.

This Nate Walton, this buffoon of a writer you have gifted me with, I must object. He repeatedly misunderstands my character and stops me progressing the story simple because of something he calls pacing and keeps introducing random elements for what he calls thematic reasons. Why couldn’t I be given a talented writer like Sir Ector received, John A DeLaughter? Not that I’m calling the… let’s call them “talents” of Mister Walton into question, but wouldn’t they be better used as a test subject so we no longer need to risk animals? I do not want to say he’s a hack but if they made a movie about him in 90s it would of starred Angelina Jolie, Matthew Lillard and Johnny Lee Miller. Did you see what he did to Twain? I know not what he has over you but we must free you of his dead weight.

But my main source of ire must be pointed at the way he treated me. First while I am a brave Knight of the Round and will never back down from action, I must inquire why I was denied a stunt double? I heard even Morgan La Fay himself was given one for jumping in a pool in his other story. I myself am forced to fall of multiple cliffs, most of them figuratively but at least one literally, all without any stunt double or proper safety precautions. To top off this mistreatment, I was then refused hazard pay. I can not work under these conditions. I have reached out to Morgan and Noel, with whom he has worked before to see if this is a pattern with him as a creator. Be aware we are watching and will take action if you do not. But alas, I am off to summer camp for some peace and quite. Might try some random state park in some northeastern state.

With Regards,

Sir Dagonet

To the Esteemed Sir Dagonet,

First, allow us to extend our deepest sympathies for the grievous hardships you have endured at the quill of one Nate Walton. It was never our intention to subject a noble knight of your caliber to such… artistic interpretation.

We regret to inform you, however, that your conscription into the anthology Legends of Camelot: Knights of the Round Table is, indeed, binding and final. The Round Table works in mysterious ways (and, as you know, once Merlin notarizes something, there is very little we can do). Regarding Mr. Walton: please rest assured that we are monitoring his “creative liberties” closely. While we understand your concerns about his obsession with “pacing” and “thematic elements,” we must point out that he has only been found guilty of three counts of Overly Ambitious Storytelling and one minor infraction of Unscheduled Cliff Usage. We have also reviewed his file and can confirm that if a movie were ever made about his exploits, it would, regrettably, indeed star Angelina Jolie, Matthew Lillard, and Jonny Lee Miller. (We are opening an investigation into how you obtained such classified information.) As for the matter of a stunt double, we deeply apologize for the oversight. Budgetary constraints have forced us to adopt a strict “leap first, heal later” policy. Please know that your literal and figurative falls have not gone unnoticed — they have, in fact, become the talk of the scriptorium. Hazard pay is being discussed at the next council meeting, right after we settle the ongoing dispute about whether Excalibur needs a social media manager. We appreciate you reaching out to Morgan and Noel, and we welcome their audits. We assure you, we are committed to improving knightly working conditions — or at least providing a slightly better landing pad next time. Thank you, noble Sir Dagonet, for your bravery, your candor, and your willingness (reluctant though it may be) to continue representing the very best of Camelot.

Yours in mildly chaotic service, Paige Turner Publisher Outsider Publishing Company